3 Reasons You’re Stressed the F*ck Out (And How to Chill)
A witty, not-so-serious guide on how to get yourself a manwich hug, cry a single tear, and live your most chill-ish life.
I was headed to the bathroom at my office when I took a sudden hard left, beelined for my friends’ office instead, and practically kicked in their glass door.
“I need a hug,” I demanded.
My friend popped out of his chair and embraced me. Moments later, his partner did the same — double the pleasure. “What’s wrong?” the twosome asked.
“I’m just overwhelmed,” I responded. “But this feels good. Thank you.”
“Hugs are my Klonopin,” the beautiful gay man with never-imperfect hair purred as he rubbed my back.
“I think they’re mine too,” I said as a tear slipped down my cheek. I let go of my friend and pointed to my face to show off my blockbuster-quality single tear.
They smiled and nodded in appreciation.
“That’s all I needed,” I said. “We can deep dive at lunch.”
With that, I left, because that’s the kind of relationship we have. My friendships aren’t the issue here.
The fact that I’m losing my damn mind is.
These last few weeks, I’ve been working on chilling the hell out. I haven’t slid into home base yet, but I’m getting closer. Hence the single tear versus sending Noah’s Ark sailing across the seven seas. Here are 3 things I’ve identified that are the biggest culprits of stress.
- You’re Multitasking
You probably know that multitasking promotes stress and fatigue. But did you know that multitasking can be addictive? Each time I catch myself trying to pack my work bag in between weight sets in my home gym, I stop and remind myself, “One thing at a time, whore.” Then I stare out the window and, just, think. Usually about all the things I need to do that day. But sometimes, when I’m lucky, I think about other things — like pizza. And John Travolta and what he’s doing these days and whether he’s still hot. Or if he’s still crazy. Like me. - You’re Keeping a To-Do List
If you’re a perfectionist (spoiler alert: you probably are), then you’re a sucker for a good to-do list. If you have them on the weekends too — congrats! — you’re one of those Americans who Parisians scoff at. Here’s my suggestion: create a to-do list at the end of the day for the following day. Then, on said following day, only look at it once in the early afternoon. In the meantime, do what you know needs to be done, starting with the things you enjoy most first. Yes, that goes against common advice, but doing this for a week or two will show you what you’re putting off. Take those things and find a way to offload them — whether that’s paperwork, cooking dinner, or your least favorite child. - You’re Not Being a Good Christian (Calm Down, I’m Kidding)
Be a good Bible-thumper and make one day sacred by taking Sundays off. You can go to church and abstain from work to honor your Lord and Savior, or you can chug booze, have contraceptive-fueled sex, and abstain from work to honor the fact that you’re tired AF. But Christians got this one right. Take one day off and do nothing. No-thing. No email. No household chores. No paying bills. Think of it this way — what do you enjoy that isn’t productive? Do that. That’s your goal — anti productivity. Research tells us working on weekends can lead to sleeping problems, depression, and heart disease among others. Not cool. Be cool by embracing your inner stoner mentality.
Listen, guys, do these three things and you too can cry a single tear after a manwhich hug instead of having a full-on mental breakdown. Wait, you want a list of things that’ll help you avoid crying altogether?
I’m sorry, who do you think I am? Some completely stable chick without a nightstand full of easy-access chocolate truffles who’s struggling to maintain her shit because Mr. Perpetual Loud Talker is outside her office again?
Cause that ain’t me, babe.
That ain’t me.
*WHY IS HE SO GD LOUD?!
